Travel bug

In February or March, I start to realize that summer is right around the corner. This year, I haven't made any plans to go to seminars or schools, but I'm feeling the urge to make plans.

That's not to say I don't already have some plans. My family will be meeting in Idaho for a reunion. We'll be spending a week at a rented cabin near Yellowstone. It will be the first time all of my siblings, parents, nieces, and nephews have been in the same place since the last family wedding in 1999. We've met in smaller groups, but my school schedule, my sister-in-law's work schedule, and my other sister-in-law's family vacations have kept us from finding a common time. I still have to look into the Yellowstone days and book flights/cars out there. But that vacation feels like a done deal.

Today, three things contributed to the flair of the travel bug. 

1. I received the notification of my additional duties pay. I work at athletic events, sponsor two school publications, and have done a little homebound tutoring this year. The athletics, tutoring, and part of the advising stipends in my little savings account make me feel a bit flush with cash.
2. As I listened to NPR while doing dishes, I heard a story about Guatemala's first female attorney general. About 6 years ago (?!), I studied for a month at Celas Maya in Xela, which was a wonderful school (one other student's 2011 account is here; my abandoned travel blog is still up, too). Earlier this week, I'd already made a couple of Internet forays to look at what it might cost to go and brush up on my Spanish in Guatemala (it's still a heck of a deal for lessons and homestays!), and that thought still tickles my mind. I'd kind of like to spend a week at Lago Atitlan if I go back. I stayed in Panajachel for two weekends, and I know I could do more exploring of the little towns and sights along the lake. Plus, my Spanish has faded in the two years since I last studied it at Personalized Spanish in Costa Rica, another wonderful, though more expensive, school.
3. Travelzoo sent me their top 20 deals email. Because I'm already feeling comfortable and wondering what to do, the Costa Rica packages made me wonder about revisiting that country, too. I'd like to go back to Monteverde and Manuel Antonio. I visited each place for a weekend, and there's more to see. There are several other locations I didn't get to visit, too, like La Fortuna and Guanacaste. 

I may not end up doing any of these in the end. I do like to dream, though, and Central America seems to call me back.

Why I stay...and what makes me think about leaving

Recently, one of my online tribe (I haven't been a good tribe member lately--I've been blogging instead of Tweeting) announced she's leaving the classroom, at least for now. Beth will find a role in education, I know. But her very difficult decision to leave sparked an idea for a graduate class project: a video from teachers to let people know why they stay.

This project has been on my mind all week long. I have a good idea of the piece I want to contribute; I had a tough time narrowing it down. There are so many reasons why I stay. Still, I didn't want it to be MY video, so I thought I'd write a bit down here. 

• I've already written an entire post about being part of the community. That's primary reason I stay.
• The students do make me laugh. They do unexpected, silly things. I get to watch them grow up, become more independent, and move on to new places. I love being part of their stories, and I would miss that.
• I'm the safe place for some of my students. I've held them as they've cried; I've cheered for them when they've succeeded; and I've listened and offered my opinions when asked. I needed that safe space when I was a teen, and I pay it forward by being that trusted adult.
• This year, before Spring Break, no fewer than 4 students came to me to ask for book recommendations. My decision to value independent reading is paying off for quite a few of my students. Some still aren't on the bandwagon, yet. But, sometimes, I run across tweets like this: "Mrs Kervina is the only teacher that gets me reading for fun" and I know I'm getting through sometimes.I work with some fantastic people who care about kids. Seriously, I'm pretty fortunate that I can name   several professional colleagues who will bounce ideas around and do care about learning and about the art of teaching.
• I do firmly believe that reading and writing are so very fundamental to our ability to be part of society and to make rational, intelligent choices. I know reading fiction increases empathy and can help foster a sense of belonging. Writing is not only valued by employers (who want to see more emphasis on oral and written communications in colleges), it can help one better understand the self and the world. It's a process that can be used for thinking, reflecting, learning, expressing, arguing, advocating, or even entertaining. Our stories are who we are.

But there are also aspects of what I do that I don't like. These are the things that drive me to look at Monster.com from time to time.

• Grades. I'll say it: I don't like grading. I don't love mountains of paper. I don't love endless to-do lists. Almost all of these things are the result of grades. We're so grade and score-focused in education that there's a constant pressure to put some sort of mark on each piece of paper generated. It's hard to push back, even when I point out that not every note in every scale is assessed in music, not every dribble of a ball is assessed in basketball, and not every brush stroke or sketchbook drawing is assessed in art. 
• The constant thinking about school. I don't love that I cannot turn off my job brain. Seriously, thinking about my job wakes me up at night. I love the challenge of creating a classroom where kids learn. But sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and sleep through the night, or spend a whole weekend without thinking in terms of lessons, assessments, and to-dos.
• Discipline. I get it; it's the job of teens to push the boundaries. That doesn't mean I love being the one who has to set them or who has to enforce them. However, I'm the adult in the room. I accept that.
• The endless rhetoric of blame. There are a few voices calling for moderation on the blame game. There are voices who point out that this focus on bad teachers will drive people out of education.In fact, teacher job satisfaction is at the lowest it has been in 25 years. 
• The consistent implication or outright claims that teachers are lazy and greedy. I work harder at this job for 5 figures less than I made as a government contractor. Yes, I don't "work" from the last week in June to the last week in August, in that I don't go to school and teach; I also don't get paid for that time. Nor do I get paid for spring break, winter break, or federal holidays. I'm on a 193-day contract. The rest of the time, even though I'm often working late, on weekends, and over breaks, is uncompensated time. But, if you read any comment on any story, blog, or opinion column on the web, someone's going to say that teachers like me should be thankful for our easy, cushy, summers-off jobs and should stop being so greedy.
• Decision fatigue. I'm on whenever there's a class of students. I take my responsibilities quite seriously, too. So, I have literally hundreds, if not thousands, of decisions I make each day. the first 6 months I taught, I also worked 10 hour days every other day. I can tell you from experience that working for 10 hours in an office doesn't hold a candle to working with kids. The 10-hour days were easier.

I do live with a sort of anxiety that the balance will tip enough that I'll leave the classroom. But, for now, the reasons I stay still outweigh those for leaving.

Activism, slactivism, and political speech

I'm not usually one to go for grand gestures of support. 

• I never changed my Facebook icon to a cartoon character to raise awareness for abused children. I wasn't aware people didn't know about the issue, especially my web-savvy friends on social media.
• I don't click "like" or start groups in Facebook in support of the current cause; I didn't Tweet about Kony2012. I'm fairly certain if I want to influence policy, my best bet is to write my elected representative or take to the street and protest.
• I don't forward status messages and dare my friends to change theirs if they care about people and/or me. I see that type of bandwagon slactivism as something akin to bullying as it implies I'm somehow lacking if my priorities don't align perfectly with the crowd. Plus, given the way my Twitter feed rolls continuously and how arbitrary Facebook already is about showing me the statuses of the people I follow, I would not be so quick to judge the character of others based on whether they happen to see the picture of a child with cancer roll through their timeline. 

In general, I'm pretty skeptical about the efficacy of posting anything on social media in the hopes of significant social or political change. The chances of my changing my status or Tweeting of making a significant difference is minimal. I have two things in my possession that I know can make a difference: my money and my time. Neither of those have a darned thing to do with what I share on social media.

There have been two occasions I have participated in these sorts of online demonstrations of support.

1. The Speak Loudly Campaign: The #speakloudy Twitter hashtag actually did draw national media attention to the 2010 banning of Speak, Twenty Boy Summer, and Slaugherhouse Five in Republic, MO. Many people in our country don't realize there are groups of folks who want to limit what people can view and read. We tend to think of ourselves as somehow beyond that; but we are not.
   
   Yet, even this year, the Chicago Public Schools ignited controversy over a directive to remove the graphic novel Persepolis from its library shelves. After significant negative press on the Internet and mainstream media fueled in part by a social media outcry and after student protests, CPS released a statement clarifying that the book was removed from the 7th grade curriculum. The statement also says something about "special training" for high school teachers who want to use it. That seems like an underhanded way to ban the book, even still.
   
   The only way to fight censorship is to speak out; I suspect the #speakloudly hashtag will be used for this issue again, and I will participate each time.


2. The = sign on Facebook: I know that my icon won't make a bit of difference on the SCOTUS. But, I can't remain completely silent on this issue, either. I'm not asking others to join me; I'm just publicly declaring my support for same-sex marriage. Two people who are in a loving, committed relationship ought to be able to have that relationship recognized legally. As I posted on my Facebook status:
   
   "I know too many people who have been in committed, loving, long-term relationships who cannot enjoy the same legal protections and social benefits I do simply because the person I chose to commit my life to has different genitals. That's silly.
   
   I did not marry to have children. That ship has more than likely sailed in my life.
   
   I married to be with the person I love in a societally and legally recognized union for the rest of my natural life. I cannot imagine that such a union of two people can be harmful, regardless of the genitalia those two people have."

I'm not entirely certain what else I'll speak out about; but it won't be something I'm not passionate about or something I do just because others are doing it. There's an element of risk in public discourse, especially for someone in public education, if one forgets that the Internet is not private. So, I reserve my opinions in most cases when in the public sphere (except regarding education policy), and I don't discuss my personal political beliefs in the classroom at all.

In these two cases, I will speak out, as is my right as a citizen. I don't suspect my speech will change anyone's mind, but I appreciate the rights I have to express my opinion in this small, civil way.

And in a couple of days, my icon will be back to its original bee as I await the decision of the court. I have great faith in our courts and in our system. It's not perfect; but it gives us the opportunity to speak our minds and adapt our government and laws to a changing world. For that, I'm grateful today.

Slice of Life and Comments

One of the things I've enjoyed most about this challenge has been the conversations it has generated. I've talked more about writing with my friend Melissa, took on the challenge, but isn't linking on Two Writing Teachers. Overall, I have interacted with more people than I have in a long time. 

One of my goals, aside from writing each day, has been to make sure that no one drops in and doesn't get an answering comments. Some days, that hasn't happened. But Blogger's "Comments" page in the dashboard has really helped me make sure each comment gets a reply. It feels good to let people know I'm grateful to them for stopping by and sharing a little bit of my writing, and I hope my appreciation for their time comes through.

I've also participated in one of the commenting challenges this month. My 30 comments didn't come close to enough to win a prize. Still, I read more blogs than usual and got more ideas. Some of those ideas include making a list like this:

Posts I could try:

• Welcoming a season (or anything else, really)
• Good News Bad News
• Using a word as a focus
• Connecting an abstract idea with my writing practice (I had fun in that comment!)
• Lists of books and music I'd want on a desert isle (Again, I got carried away)
• Practicing my steadily failing Spanish! (Thank goodness Google Translate was there when my Spanish faltered. At least what I wrote is somewhat intelligible, and I understood Jennifer's comment back to me!)
• Book reviews ( I can hear Cindy grumbling... I swear I will write a Nerdy Post... this might even be the type I go for!)

There were a number of other posts that made me smile or think. In fact, there are too many to list.

Thanks to Ruth and Stacey for running the challenge. And thanks to Cindy, Katherine, Lee Ann, and Michelle for reminding me it would happen this year.

I can't believe it's already the 24th day...

Exhaustion

Whenever I have a break from school, I find out how much exhaustion I have barely held in check. Often, I get sick. If I don't, I want to sleep for days.

Today, I'm not sick. But I have had a headache off and on, and I'm tired. I made the mistake of not taking the day off to rest. So, I'm grumpier and touchier than I should be. My friend and husband are being understanding, probably more than I deserve.

Note to self: try to remember that the chances of being a raging bitch are dramatically increased. Take a rest day.

Music, memory, online friendships, and love

Sometimes, I'm still surprised at the effect of music. It changes my mood, but sometimes it throws me back to another time in my life. It's almost as if I cannot tell if I'm the me now or the me I was at a much different time and place. 

Tonight, it was Alphaville's "Fallen Angel." Eric and I went to Wegmans for a last-minute shopping trip, and I put on the 80s station on Pandora. The beginning notes played as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and I felt just like I was 16 again. My sense of disorientation was heightened by sitting next to someone I fell in love with when I was only 17. 

In that moment, I could also remember Eric just as if I had fallen in love with him all over. He would drive us around in his barely-holding together used Monza, before we went to college together. The relationship didn't last when he left school and I stayed. But we kept in touch. He likes to say he never forgot how amazing I was. I, on the other hand, was a much slower learner. If you'd told me in September of 1997 that I'd marry Eric less than a year later, I'd have laughed at you.

As we drove on, I also heard "Nemesis" by Shriekback, which made me realize that most of my musical tastes came from David Lartigue and Stephen Murrish, people I had become friends with, and in Stephen's case much more, because of our online friendships. Even when "online" meant dialing up to a computer, downloading and reading messages, then logging off so someone else could log in, many of the closest relationships I had were made with people I met and got to know while sitting in my own house. Now some 29-30 years later, I'm still meeting some of my closest friends without leaving the house (and I'm still in touch with both Dave and Stephen, too). The major difference between then and now is that my online friends were all local because I couldn't afford to call long distance.

One of my friends from St. Louis, Stan Schrober, once told me he still loved everyone he had ever loved. I remember being skeptical when he told me that 20 years ago. But, I get it now. 

When I hear music that throws me back to a different time in my life, I can remember what it felt like to be that person. Parts of me still are 14 and 16 and 17 and 22 and 26 and every other age I've ever been. So, parts of me still love the people who shared those times with me. And sometimes, the music lets me be there for a minute or two, one more time. 

A workman-like slice

Today, I think I've used up all of my inspiration.

The staff will finish the satire issue. I had to tweak a couple of the pieces to lengthen them. Mostly, I just added some fake quotes or did some rearranging to help with the flow. I realized that there needs to be some tweaks to our policy statement, too. I'm going to run that past them tomorrow, as a last minute change. At least two stayed after today to finish layouts. I need to give the entire thing a going over and I'll probably give the principal a heads up, if he's in the building. He's a central character in our little farce, so he should probably know just this once.

Other than that, I had a lovely massage this evening as my "almost made it to spring break and proctored my last writing SOL of the year" treat. I came home and wanted nothing more than to finish reading The Mis-education of Cameron Post, which I did.

So, I'm out of inspiration, but I still wanted to write it down and meet my challenge goal. I've only missed 3 days so far, which isn't bad considering I started a day late.

Some slices, like this one, will be a bit more workman-like than others. But, that's true of some days, too. And I'm ok with that.